What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
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It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
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Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
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What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
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“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”
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Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
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Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
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Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
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Q: Where does an elephant go when he wants to lie down?
A: Anywhere he pleases.
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I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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Why computers are like men:
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
- Why computers are like women:
- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
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Q: How do you know if a restaurant has a clown as a chef?
A: When the food tastes funny
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What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
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Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
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Q: What is black, white and red all over?
A: A skunk with nappy rash.
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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
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Q: A man went to play golf for the day. He took his golf clubs and two pairs of pants. What were the extra pants for?
A: In case he got a hole-in-one.
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Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
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Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”
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Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
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If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
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Q: Why did the man jump out of the window?
A: He wanted to catch a butterfly.
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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
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I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves
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Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
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Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
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Q: When is it a good time to eat a window?
A: When it's jammed.
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Q: If one is single and two is a couple and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
A: 9 (5+4)
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Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.
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What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
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Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
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Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine.
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Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
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Q: What kind of band doesn't play music?
A: A highbred.
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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
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Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?
A: I don't know, but when it talks you'd better listen.
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Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
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The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
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Q: Why did the monkey put a piece of steak on his head?
A: He thought he was a griller.
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Why are spiders great at web design?
Because they know how to create bug-friendly websites!
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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Why did the teacher go to the beach?
Because she wanted to test the waters.
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Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
The teacher told them not to use tables.
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What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta.
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Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.
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Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!
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Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate? Because he was standing on the deck!
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Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood!
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The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
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Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
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I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
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I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
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You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
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I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
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My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
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I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
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What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
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How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
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Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
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Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
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I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
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Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
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If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
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What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
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What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
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The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – Rick Cook
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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
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Source of all jokes: pranx.com
Updated from time to time
